My ship’s hatch hissed open and I stepped out into the pink light of Neon, clinging to my bag by the straps. I grinned as I glimpsed in the distance the city the Alliance training base was situated in, a mish mash of rounded buildings of all sorts of sizes and colours, with rubbery plants snaking around them into the sky. My skin tingled and I ran my hands over the implant attached to my waist that I’d been given on my summons here. It was apparently supposed to stabilize my body chemistry so that I could exist on this planet without, like, dying. Nice of them really. The Alliance (or as I liked to think of it, the Space UN) had members from planets all over the galaxy, so Neon was chosen as a planet with a fairly neutral atmosphere and stuff for their training to take place with minimal support systems for each species’ wacky biology. I was excited to be around aliens again. Although obviously it had been good to find my father’s expedition after years of searching and get a break from planet hopping week after week, I’ve got to say I had missed the excitement and diversity of the universe. When the Alliance had offered me a job on a relief team, whatever that would turn out to be, I had jumped at it. It was the perfect work for me – visiting planets, meeting cool aliens, helping people, fixing machines – amazing right? Before that, of course, I would have to go through three months of preparatory training here at Neon’s cool facilities, get all brushed up on whatever I needed to know to be an Alliance agent. There had been some pre reading but I’d only skimmed over it because my attention span was non-existent.

Guess I was about to find out. Because my signing up to the Alliance had been super last minute I’d arrived on Neon just in time for their orientation seminar; I got the feeling from the lack of other ships arriving and the settled in look of people walking around that most people had been here for a while, at the very least a couple of hours to get their bearings before diving straight into training. Oh well. I didn’t mind. I pulled up the booklet I’d been sent and headed off towards orientation.

And then I realised I’d misread the map and had to run very quickly to the other end of the campus, entering the lecture hall just in time. It was already packed and there were probably about two hundred people filling the seats of various sizes and with various attachments. I picked my way through to a seat that I felt would be okay for me to sit on and put my bag on the small table in front of me. I turned sheepishly to the people beside me and introduced myself. I immediately got shushed and one chick pointed a tentacle towards the screen at the front of the room, where an orientation video was playing.

I was fascinated with the set up they had going on. It was wild. The presentation was being spoken by one of the Alliance heads, literally a floating head in a jar speaking in Galactic Basic, which I understood a bit of, not my forte really. It was okay though because on my desk I had hundreds of options for subtitles to choose from so I could follow along. While the presenter spoke the screen flashed different colours for those who communicated that way, and also emitted substances for those who used chemoreception. It was very inclusive and very cool. I took a moment to glance around at the various aliens in the room with me and almost squealed in awe. I’d been a lot of places in the universe but I’d never seen a place with so much diversity. There were a lot of aliens I recognised and a lot I didn’t but I slid my eyes over every section, taking in all the different colours and shapes and faces.

Across the room an alien floated upside down on the ceiling, tendrils pointing downwards at the screen. I didn’t know the species but that was awesome.

Further down on the wall was a Matraxan, a little purple starfish alien whose one eye blinked rapidly as it took everything in; I’d been on Matraxa the first time I learnt about the Alliance and it would be neat to work with their species again.

Speaking of working with, if I remembered right that guy there was a Staphan. Termite-like, flickering wings, communicated telepathically with each other. They were the native species of Staphas, which is where Alliance Base 17, the one I would be working on, orbited around.

Ooh, and over there! A whole row of Fullerton Asteroid-Archipelago Gobbleforms! I’d only seen one once before on an asteroid colony. They were blobby dudes who spoke by changing colour, and floated in the right gravity, but otherwise had to use their limbs to propel themselves.

At the end of my row sat an Andruin, and I had to physically tear my eyes away to stop myself from staring. Andruin’s were ethereal beings, vaguely humanoid but also partway in another dimension. They glowed faintly and just generally looked a bit terrifying, not because they looked dangerous but because of how almost normal they seemed, yet you could always tell there was something eerie about them. Until recent times, the main continent of Andruin had been ruled by a tyrannical government which had sold off many of their people as slaves to other planets. This had ended when an Andruin known as the Protector had overthrown them as the head of an activist group. The Protector was weirder than most Andruin’s because she could traverse the transdimensional space and thus teleport almost anywhere in the universe merely by thought, and also she had lightning powers. She’d become a living legend in the galaxy right now, and I had heard that Andruin had recently signed a treaty with the Alliance and would now be once again involved in intergalactic affairs. So that was pretty cool.

I realised that I had immediately become distracted from the video I was supposed to be watching. It wasn’t like it was a boring one either, it was quite engaging. I was just very talented like that. I forced myself to pay attention, pulling out a little gadget I’d made to fiddle with for this very purpose.

“As a member of the Alliance you will all be involved in our important work in maintaining intergalactic peace and security, through upholding the requirements of each planetary treaty, delivering eleemosynary aid, promoting sustainable development and fostering unity and empowerment. It is vital to everything we do that we are meeting the inherent rights of all beings, and being respectful to all cultures and values. To this end the Alliance developed the Gigaanum Development Goals, and an essential part of your training will be learning those goals and how you personally and as part of the wider organisation contribute to the bettering of the whole galaxy.”

I smiled and pressed on the translator so I could have simple answers for some of the difficult words that were being said. I didn’t receive a high school education after all. I thought about Abigail, my best friend from the planet Flauraan, and how excited this speech would be making her. She loved big words and social justice, she was that sort of intellectual person. I wished she was here with me right now, so I could watch her face as she looked around the room. If I had been excited to see aliens, she would be even more excited. She’d only ever left her planet once in her life, and that had been to go to Halapatov, where all the people looked like humans anyway (though they did have telekinesis). Also I missed her. She wasn’t only my best friend, she was basically my only friend. My lifestyle hadn’t exactly helped me to get to know many people closely, and I had to admit as keen as I was to join the Alliance, a little bit of fear spoke in the back of my mind. I was so used to being on my own, jumping from place to place, but I didn’t know how to make friends, and I was about to have a somewhat stable job where I’d be around the same people for extended periods of time. Even without looking that far ahead, I was spending the next three months here on Neon doing training and my mouth went dry as I looked around the room once more. Would I even be able to make friends here? I didn’t know, and despite being in a room with hundreds of people I felt very alone.

The rest of orientation went by in a blur. We were given an overview of the courses and of the campus, broken into groups to discuss what we were most looking forward to from working in the Alliance, introduced to various Alliance staff who would be working with us, had time to ask questions and then there was a lot of finnicky stuff to do. Like being measured for uniforms, have ID cards printed, have the Alliance grade organic translators fitted in our ears, check over our paperwork, get access to the campus wifi and then, after hours of this stuff, supper!

I picked from the multicultural swash of finger foods and chomped down on some Rocattian eel puffs, dipped some oiberries in chocolate sauce and sipped green carbonated foam as I made small talk with the people around me. All in all, orientation was good.

It was nearing the end of a Neon day, and as it was close to dark, we were ushered off to our dormitories where we would be staying for the duration of training.

Being in such a rush when I’d arrived, I hadn’t gotten the chance to notice the layout of this little Alliance settlement. There was the main training centre where most of my theory classes as well as some practical would take place, which was designed to blend in with the local architecture, all round and coloured with the orange Alliance flag as well as a lot of smaller planet flags flying over the entrance and signs that flashed in an almost incomprehensible number of languages.

There was the mess hall where we had our supper, with lots of devices and stuff to facilitate different species’ molecular and dietary needs. There was the ship ground where I’d arrived, with some parked ships off to the sides. I made a mental note to go admire them when I had free time. According to my map there were other buildings which were offices and behind the training centre there was a large open area for outside activities relevant to our learning. And on the edges of the campus were the dormitories.

Unlike all other parts of the training grounds, which emphasised diversity and integration, the dormitories were separated by species, or to be more exact, species type. This was apparently in part to help us feel comfortable as we transitioned to such a diverse organisation, but it was also just practical because obviously different species were different sizes and had different needs. Equity instead of equality and all that. I passed the plasmaform dorms with my hands covering my eyes, the dorms of the silicon based life forms and moved onto the dormitories for carbonoforms, ie. me, which looked a lot like an apartment building. As I took the lift up to my designated room, I wondered if there were even any other humanoid (oops I mean wormiform) people here or if I would be on my own.

I tapped my ID card on the door and it opened to one of the messiest rooms I’d ever seen in my life, and I’d been in some messy ones. There were clothes and toiletries spread around the room, which had four sets of bunk beds set into the walls and a door that probably led to a wormiform appropriate bathroom. Sprawled on the floor with their legs crossed in the air was a person around my age, dressed in a snazzy blue suit and heeled boots, with skin far paler than mine and jet black hair tied in a bun. This person looked up curiously as I entered the room, and I glimpsed wild eyes before they jumped up to greet me.

“Hey, I got a roommate! Epic.” They bounded across the room and grabbed me in a half handshake half hug. I responded enthusiastically, though a bit stunned. “What’s ya name slick?”

“Uh, Sophie.” I said. “What about you?”

“Beth.” They were chewing what seemed like gum and they blew an impressive bubble which popped in my face. “They/them pronouns. You human then?”

“Yep.”

“Earth human or colony?”

“Uh, Earth, I guess. You?” I asked curiously.

“I grew up in a ring world near Alpha Centauri. Oh, also, I’m not human exactly. Half human, half Shalronite.”

“Oh, really? I’ve been to Shalron!” I burst out, excited to have something in common with my roommate. “Have you ever visited?”

“Oh, uh, no, I’ve never gotten the chance to go myself but um… I’ve heard it’s lovely.” I nodded. It was a lovely place, although my personal experience there had been a bit messed up. I probably shouldn’t tell that particular story to Beth. They glanced down at my hand, because I was still holding my bag, and then put their hands on my shoulders. “Agh, I’m so sorry, you haven’t even put your stuff down yet. Which bed do you want?”

I looked around the room, noting the one bed with crumpled sheets that was probably Beth’s and then shrugged. “I don’t mind. What’s with the bunk beds anyway?”

“I know right.” they said, looking kind of amused. “It’s like we’re on a school camp.”

Not for the first time in my life, the fact that I didn’t go to high school became glaringly obvious and I realised I had missed out on experiences that are supposed to be universal. “Uh, is it?”

“Yeah, course. Bunk beds. A bunch of chums learning things together stuffed in a room. Clothes everywhere.” They must have noticed my blank face because they suddenly stopped and raised an eyebrow at me. “Wait, have you never been on a school camp?”

“Nope.” I admitted.

Beth covered their mouth in shock. “Okay, that changes everything. It has now become my duty to educate you on the classic school camp experience. That starts with sharing a bunk bed.” I followed them over to what was now our bunk bed. “You have to have bottom bunk tho. You can put your stuff here.” They waved their hand over a bedside table which was only partially covered in their things. I smiled and placed down my bag.

“Cool.” I plopped myself down on what I guess was my bed for the next couple of months.

Beth was still looking at where I placed my bag. “Is that all you brought?” I shrugged and nodded. “Packing light. A useful skill. Not one I have mastered.” They gestured at their scattered belongings. “I wasn’t sure what counted as professional attire for Alliance training so I brought myself lots of options. I landed on this one for my most striking first impression. What do you think?” They struck an exaggerated pose.

“Uh… It’s good?” I said with a shrug. I knew nothing about fashion.

“Hmm.” They put their hands in their pockets. “Anyway, so we’ve got a lot of important camp traditions to do. Hmm, what to do, what to do.” Beth pondered for a moment with their hand on their chin and then jabbed a finger in the air triumphantly. “Let’s build a blanket fort!”

My eyes lit up. I hadn’t done that since I was a kid and had, like, an actual family to do it with. “Absolutely!”

About an hour later we had an elaborate construction set up with multiple blanket rooms and a main turret suspended from the ceiling and lit up with tiny torches I’d extracted from the lamps in the room. We were sitting on cushions in the middle of it and drinking hot chocolate that we’d stolen from the mess hall… if that even counted as stealing.

Beth put down their cup and clapped their hands together decisively.

“Okay, Sophie, a very important sleepover tradition is that we have a D&M, and the most vital part is that we talk about our crushes.” Beth said, waggling their eyebrows suggestively at me.

“Oh.” Abigail’s face flashed in my mind; I pushed that thought aside and tried to think of a way to answer, until Beth continued.

“That would be boring though because I don’t know anyone you know and you don’t know anyone I know, so we couldn’t gossip about it. We can save that for once we’ve got some cuties in mind for each other to rate.”

“Oh, okay.” I sipped from my cup. “What should we talk about then?”

Beth sighed and leaned back with their hands resting on the floor. “We’ll just have to get to know each other, I suppose.”

“Hmm,” I thought for a moment. What do you ask someone you’ve just met? “So uh, why are you joining the Alliance?”

They glanced up at me, looking a bit startled. “Uh, well… ya know… I don’t know really. Need a job to survive in this galaxy you know, and this is as good as any. My uncle has some influence in the Alliance so he was able to get me a position in this centre on Valye. So that’s why. Um, what about you, Soph?”

Ah, I should have realised that would get turned back on me. “Uhhh… it’s sort of a long story. But the short version is that I’ve travelled the galaxy a bit and I was involved in the Alliance resettling these people who’d been kidnapped by pirates, and afterwards they offered me a job. And I figured it sounded cool so I said yes.”

Beth studied me with their head cocked to the side. “I get the feeling you have a far more exciting backstory than I do.

I shrugged. “You said you grew up on a ring world, right? That sounds exciting. Tell me about that.”

Beth perked up and launched into a story about a neighbour who’d run a secret circus out of their backyard, and we talked well into the night, falling asleep on the floor on the cushions. I got to say, it was nice to have a friend.

The next morning we went to our first proper class, an Introduction to Alliance Infrastructure. We were split into smaller groups for this and I didn’t end up in the same one as Beth, which was a shame but like, I was pretty good on my own. Wasn’t a big deal.

At lunch time I entered the mess hall and picked up some food, looking around the room for somewhere to sit. As I walked towards an empty space I heard Beth’s voice calling my name.

I turned and saw them waving me over from a table with three other people on it, so I headed over to join them.

“Guys, this is my roommate Sophie. These guys were in my class this morning Soph. This is Tok.” They waved their hand in the direction of a slug like guy who lifted a tentacle in greeting. “Belatadiakorisafosaea.” The Staphan in question nodded at me. “And uh… geemo? Gorvu?”

This last guy had a long body and one big eye in the centre of his head. They sighed tiredly. “Gavin, Beth.”

“Oh yeah.” They grinned wickedly.

I smiled brightly as I started to eat my lunch. It was nice to be wanted somewhere. I was used to just imposing myself in most social situations, because I wasn’t good at normal conversation and people generally put up with me, usually a bit reluctantly. I’d been ready to do that over and over again while I was here on Neon, but for some reason Beth had actually invited me to sit with them. I mean, we already were roommates, surely they would get sick of having me around all the time? I pushed aside those fears as they threatened to take root in my brain and I laughed at someone’s story and made a stupid joke and just was happy in this moment.

I needn’t have worried about Beth getting sick of me. Every day after that they made sure we ate together, and we even shared a few classes, including one on rudimentary combat training and also an overview of Alliance devices and machines, where I got to show off my amazing ability to tear machines to pieces and find uses for said parts. Beth was impressed. My instructor wasn’t.

“Finally, you’re back.” Beth said cheekily to me as I entered our room after spending a few hours meticulously putting together all the things I’d pulled apart. It was well past dark. “I saved you some food.” They threw a bag at me.

“Food I can eat?” They stuck their tongue out at me and I returned the gesture, opening the bag to find a sandwich and some pink potato-like chips. I wolfed it all down.

“So what exciting camp experience are we doing today?” I asked Beth once I’d finished.

They thought for a bit. “Hmm, well a classic is sneaking out after curfew. But since we are adults and we don’t have a curfew that might be a bit impossible to achieve.”

I shook my head. “I can’t believe we don’t even have a curfew.” A smile crept onto my face as a thought occurred to me. “We could sneak out anyway though.”

Beth raised their eyebrows at me. “Yeah?”

“We’re technically meant to stay on the grounds unless we have permission to leave right? Let’s go out to the city. Get the Neon experience.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” Beth walked over to one of the piles of clothes on the floor and rooted through it, throwing fabric around until they extracted a puffy coat lined with stylish fluff which they slipped on. “Let’s do this.”

It wasn’t very hard to leave the Alliance grounds without permission. To be fair, I did have some experience breaking in and out of places, though usually it involved a teleport watch. This time all I needed to do was glitch one security camera and help hoist Beth and myself over a wall.

Not long after we were in the centre of the surrounding city, Beryllium, with aliens bustling about doing whatever you did at night here. Especially in this part of Neon it was very multicultural. We even saw a few humans. We went to a late night bakery, staffed by a native Neonite with glowing purple eyes, and picked out some pastries that wouldn’t burn our tongues off and monched on them as we strolled through the streets. Unlike a lot of cities I’d been in, the natural environment of the planet was really well integrated with the structures here, which was very pleasant to be within.

Beth had a comms device out and was scrolling through Beryllium attractions before they found something they liked and pulled on my arm, dragging me through the city until we found ourselves at the Neon version of an arcade. Well, I wasn’t going to complain.

It turned out that most of the games we didn’t have arms long enough or senses tuned enough to do, but we had fun with a few that were more accessible for us. We had a stupid and enjoyable time. The only time I’d had more fun in my life had been with Abi. I was so so thankful to have a friend like Beth.

Much later we got back to our room, and once we’d gotten ready for bed, Beth began rifling through one of their bags. “There’s a very important tradition we haven’t done yet…” They paused for effect and then pulled out a container and held it dramatically. “Midnight snacks.”

“Ooh. Smart.” I watched as they popped open the lid of the container to reveal a bunch of treats in little foil packages. I barely had a moment to read what they were before Beth snatched one up and ate it, foil and all. They proffered the treats to me.  I picked one up and eyed it suspiciously. I had met a few aliens in the past who could eat inorganic things, but Beth didn’t look like any of them, so maybe the packaging of these treats, which were lollies of some sort, was edible. I turned the snack over in my hands. I sniffed it. And then I went hey what the hell and stuffed it in my mouth.

Only after I’d done so did I notice the amused look Beth was giving me, and as I started to gag and cough the snack back out they burst into a fit of laughter.

I spluttered and bent over double and Beth rolled around on the floor, clutching their sides and giggling uncontrollably. I recovered quicker than them and sat there trying to retain some sort of dignity as they tried to sit up, looked at me again and burst back into laughter. Okay, okay, I’m dumb, but like, it was a fair assumption. Sort of.

“WHY… WHY WOULD YOU- BAHAHA.” Beth pointed at me and their face contorted as they continued to laugh. Finally they sat up and tried to keep a straight face as they looked at me. “Why would you do that? Can you eat foil?”

“Uh…” I said intelligently. “I thought I might be able to. Guess not.”

“Right.” Beth said and promptly popped another foil snack into their mouth and started crunching it with their teeth. They tossed me one. “Unwrap it this time.”

Time flew by pretty fast as we continued to train and take part in shenanigans. Over the course of our three month training, we learnt a hell of a lot of stuff. We studied the basics of multiform first aid, learnt how to navigate the extensive online network the Alliance maintained to keep all of their programs running, had classes on social justice and the core values of the Alliance as well as a simple history of important treaties and policies we would need to understand in order to help people without breaching our scope of practice. See, I’m using fancy words, that means we learnt a buttload. Beth continued their mission of teaching me school camp traditions, so we watched bad old movies and played holocard games and set off the fire alarm and went to a flying fox in the surrounding city and we quizzed each other on content for our exams we had to pass to qualify as an Alliance agent. It was a good and fun time.

We passed our exams. We completed a long list of camp experiences. We got our official uniforms. Our placements were finalised. It all happened too fast; we had to go from this fun bubble on Neon into the real world, and work.

On our final day, Beth and I cleaned our room and packed everything up, blasting Beth’s playlist. It was hard to believe that training was over, and we’d be going off to our Alliance jobs now. Before we departed for the ship ground, I tackled them with a massive hug and we stood in the hallway like that for a bit.

“I’m gonna miss you Beth.” I said, muffled into their shoulder.

They laughed so that they wouldn’t cry and pulled back, pointing their finger at my face. “Babe, don’t talk like that. You won’t be missing anything. We are going to talk everyday and visit each other whenever we can, okay?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You’ve got me on Fishbank right?”

“Course I do.”

“Good. If you don’t talk to me I am going to come blow up Alliance Base 17.”

“Fair enough. If you don’t talk to me I will add thrusters to the base and pilot it to Valye so I can crash it into you.”

“We’re agreed then.” Beth shouldered one of their many bags and almost dropped the ones they had clutched in their hands. Since I only had the one backpack, I took another of their bags so they wouldn’t upend themself before we even got to the landing bay.

We headed downstairs and checked out on the system, transferring our profiles to each of our destinations, our new jobs and homes for who even knew how long.

When we arrived, my ship was waiting ready to take me, some of the Staphans, and a few other aliens to Alliance Base 17.

Knowing I had to leave basically right now, I handed Beth their bag and tried to think of a good way to say goodbye.

Beth spoke first. “I’m glad we got roomed together Soph. It’s been a good time.”

“Yeah.” I said, affection rippling through me. “Beth… thank you for being my friend.”

They smiled at me “Nah. Thank you.”

The pilot of my ship beeped the horn behind me.

Beth pushed me. “Go on. I’ll talk to you soon. I wanna hear everything about the base.”

I nodded and turned away, rushing to enter my ship. I waved just before the entry bay closed and I settled into one of the side seats, holding my bag to my chest.

The Alliance had already surprised me. Among everyone I could’ve met, I’d made friends with Beth, someone as chaotic as me and who actually liked me and wanted to be my friend. I couldn’t wait to keep in touch with them, to visit them.

With a smile, I wondered what was in store for me now.

 

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Of note:
This story takes place several years in the future from the rest of these stories.

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It was an average day on Alliance base 17. Staff went about their daily business, analysing data, organising meetings, writing reports, going over daily messages, and, in one corner of the main offices, Beth Colden was hanging upside down from the ceiling.

“Let me know if you see Robyn coming yeah?” They called down to Steve and Sophie, their co-workers, who were sitting at a desk below, poring over a technical diagram.

“Yeah, course.” Sophie replied, as Steve nervously craned his neck to look up at them from his spot on the desk.

“Ey, uh, what’re you doing up there, anyway, Beth?”

“Just testing out a theory.” Beth replied, holding their communicator at arm’s length and squinting at the screen.

“Ah yeah, fair enough bud.” Over the years they’d worked together Steve had learnt not to ask any of his teammates too many questions; they were all a bit crazy if he did say so himself. He loved em, of course, they were his best friends in the world, but they simply didn’t have the same grasp on reality that he did. He prided himself on being the coolest and most well-adjusted member of the team, the one they could all rely on. He piloted their beautiful ship, his baby, the Knife Edge, and kept everything running smoothly. Ask anyone, really. I mean, just look at how Sophie was asking him for help with her current project. He wasn’t even any sort of engineer!

“So what did you think of that, Steve?” she asked him now, pointing at some sort of vent on the diagram.

“That looks good, if I do say so myself, Soph.” he said, wriggling over for a closer look.

She frowned and he realised he’d made a faux pas. “Are you sure? I thought the Xyler system would be more practical there.”

“Oh, of course, of course, I misspoke. The old Xeeler is the obvious one. Can’t go wrong with that.”

“Okay, thanks for helping me bud.” Sophie said, and scribbled an edit in with her stylus, before calling upwards, “Hey, Beth, any update on that Praxeus thing?”

“Hmm? One sec.” Beth responded, voice strained, and Sophie looked up curiously and burst out laughing. They were tangled in the scaffolding they’d been suspending themself from, and trying to excavate themself while simultaneously typing furiously on their device.

“Want some help Beth?” she asked, already climbing on top of her desk and reaching up to grab her friend. Steve climbed up her leg so that he could help too.

“No, I’m fine guys, I think if I just- aah-” Beth struggled as Sophie yanked on their arms. “WAit guys I’ve almost finished this part and then you can-”

“It’s alright Beth we got you bud.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, we’ll get you down.”

Mickey appeared, holding a stack of paperwork. He glanced at them, unperturbed, as they continued to pull on Beth; he was very used to their shenanigans.  “Hey guys, Robyn and I are back. She’s being really quiet, though, and I don’t know why.”

“That’s weird.” Beth said while still trying to type. “Hey Mick. Can we have a hand over here?”

“Of course.” he ambled over and didn’t even need to stand on the table to reach Beth, owing to his height and long appendages.

“Wait–Mickey, no, I meant get them off me.” Beth pushed at his nearest grasper and he wobbled, reaching out for something to grab onto to steady himself and crashing into the desk, upending it with his weight and sending the four of them crashing to the ground in a heap. They all groaned.

“I assume there’s no reasonable explanation for this.” a voice boomed and they all looked up to see the source of it, their team leader.

Robyn stood, four of her limbs on her hips, looking with extreme disappointment at her disheveled team. “Would you all please arrange yourselves with some decorum? I have some news to give you all.”

Steve squeaked and they all scrambled to get back up. Robyn didn’t get ruffled easily and she sounded bothered by something. What could she be about to tell them?

Once they were all up they stood expectantly for Robyn’s announcement but her lenses were pointed at the ground, as if she was avoiding looking at them while she summoned the courage to speak. Mickey trembled with worry, his brains whizzing with ideas for what was wrong or how to comfort her. He had been with her all day, and though he had noticed she had been more reserved than normal, he hadn’t been able to figure out what could have happened, and felt terrible for having missed whatever it was.

“Robyn, are you okay?” he asked and she looked up and waved an arm.

“I’m fine. So… ahem… as you all know, Mickey and I made a diplomatic visit to Thoo today, as a follow up to our recent mission. The endeavour itself was quite successful and while Mickey was occupied with the delegation their minister for Intergalactic Affairs pulled me aside and informed me that they have been searching for a new head commissioner for the Alliance branch on Thoo, to replace the previous who recently resigned.” she paused and wrung her four hands nervously.

“Yeah?” Beth pressed softly after a few moments.

“They offered me the position, effective immediately.”

Sophie’s mouth dropped open. Mickey quaked. “What did you say?”

Robyn smiled weakly at them all, still torn. “I asked to think on it today and give them an official response by tomorrow. It is a prominent position, the kind I have been aiming for throughout my career, but there are many factors to consider. It is not an easy decision.”

Sophie put a hand on Robyn’s arm. It spoke to the vulnerability she was expressing that Robyn did not immediately remove it. “You should take it Robyn! It’s the perfect job for you.”

“You are more than qualified for it, Robyn.” Mickey added. “You are the most dedicated, intelligent and skilled Alliance agent I know. I’m sure they would appreciate you so much on Thoo. I would miss you but more than anything I want you to do what you think is right for you, and I think this is it.”

“Mickey’s right.” Steve nodded at her. “Do what you think is best, eh.”

“Yeah.” Beth added. “You’ll be kickass whether you stay here with us or go lead an entire planet’s Alliance base. Come on dude that sounds so cool though.”

“Thank you all for your support.” Robyn said, sounding suddenly choked. She fixed her optical sensors on the ground again, then looked up, and the team couldn’t help but notice how teary she had become. “I confess that the thought of leaving here is the main thing holding me back from accepting straight away. You are all very dear to me and I hate the thought of losing you.” She said and they all erupted with “Awwwww, Robyn.” and moved forward to swarm her with hugs.

She let them. Mickey embraced her tightly and then pulled back and spoke earnestly.

“Robyn, no matter what happens or where any of us go, you will never lose us. We are a family and we will always keep in touch because we love you.”

“We will come visit you on Thoo all the time.” Sophie said.

Robyn smirked, composing herself quickly, as she hated expressing emotions like this, especially in a work setting. “That sounds quite excessive.” She beamed at them all and Mickey smiled, so happy to be able to see her love for them, and thinking of how close they’d gotten since they’d first started working together. Finally she conceded, “I will tell them that I will take the job.”

“Wooh!” Sophie cheered very loudly, causing some of their coworkers to give her weird looks.

“Alright!” Steve said and Mickey wrapped Robyn in another hug.

“You know what we need to do now right?” Beth grinned.

“Go send them my official acceptance letter.” Robyn answered.

“Okay, after that.” Beth scoffed. “We need to celebrate! We are going out tonight lads.”

Robyn’s face reflected her internal struggle as she considered this proposition. Finally she said, “Alright.”

_____

“Guuuuuuyys! I love you so much!!!” Robyn threw an arm around Beth’s neck and downed another cocktail.

“Mmmm.” Sophie slurred, head against the table. Steve was passed out between her and Mickey, who clutched his drink and sublimated gases, before mumbling, “Yeahh, love you.” They had been in this club for the past few hours, chatting and laughing and reminiscing about the many missions they had been on together. It had been fun at first, but Robyn kept ordering them drinks, forced them all to dance with her, and now the night was starting to wind down.

Garbled conversation continued until Beth laughed, too loudly, and decided, “I think maybe we should head back to base. Come on guys.” They scooped Steve up in their hands and pulled on Sophie, who’d had just a bit too much to drink and slid to the floor.

“Oops.”

“It’s alright, I got her.” Mickey bent down and swung Sophie over his shoulder. Robyn leant on his other shoulder and they headed towards the exit and called a Zuber.

Robyn pulled out her comm and opened an app that she rarely used, except for when forced to for work, the Golon Fish-Bank. She scrolled mindlessly, giggling every now and then, mostly at official posts that weren’t humorous in any way, until she saw a post that made her cackle wildly for a full two minutes. She leaned over in her seat to poke Mickey, who jerked awake.

“Mickey! Mickeeeyyyyyyy. Look at this, look at these funny yellow guys. I love them so much.”

He stared blearily at the comm and tried to comprehend what he was being shown. Not understanding in the slightest, he laughed politely and dropped his head back to sleep again. Beth snuck a glance in the direction of the comm and snorted, mumbling to themself, “fricking boomer memes.”

Back at the base, they made their way through to their living quarters. Mickey took Sophie and Steve and lay them down in their rooms, while Beth scrabbled up some food and water to help sober them all up. They had always been able to handle alcohol well. Robyn sat and ate when Beth offered her some. Her manic drunkenness had worn off and now she sat limply in her suit, staring off into space introspectively.

“Beth, thank you for putting up with me.” she said suddenly as Beth was about to head to their room.

Beth turned and raised an eyebrow. “Hey Robyn, it’s alright. You’re my mate.”

“Thankkkkks, Beth. But like, I know I can be mean sometimes. I mean it’s not my fault you all don’t know how to do things properly. But even when I’m a jerk you are all still there for me. I’ll miss you.” She lolled her head back on the couch, looking at the ceiling.

Beth was speechless for a moment. They hadn’t always had the easiest relationship with Robyn due to their stark differences in, well, everything, but over the years their bond with the whole team had grown so strongly and now they couldn’t imagine life without Robyn in it, maddening as she might be sometimes. They wondered what was going to happen to their team, if they’d get a new team leader or maybe just have a shift in the type of cases they were expected to do. Thinking about the future made their head all woozy.

“I’ll miss you too Robyn.” Beth said quietly.

Robyn didn’t reply; she had fallen asleep on the couch. Beth smirked, knowing that Robyn would be annoyed in the morning. They eased her head down into a more comfortable position, draped a blanket over her to keep her suit adequately heated, and went to bed.

A week later, the gang gathered at the docking bay to see Robyn off as her transition became official. As her ship arrived to take her to Thoo, she said her goodbyes to her teammates, expression composed in a way she thought fit for such a parting.

“See you around, Rob.” Steve said from Beth’s shoulder as Beth shook Robyn’s hand farewell.

“Of course, I will come visit periodically, and will be very interested to see all your progress.” she said, and then turned to hold her hand out to Sophie, who threw herself at Robyn in a hug. “Sophie- please-”

“We’ll miss you so much Robyn!!” she said. “We’ll always be your team.”

“Always.” Mickey added and joined in the hug, lifting them both into the air with his long graspers wrapped tightly round the both of them. Sophie laughed and detached herself from Robyn once back on the ground.

Mickey pulled a wrapped object out of his pocket and handed it over to Robyn. “I got you this for you to remember us by, when you’re not with us.”

Robyn quaked, silently cursing Mickey for giving her a gift and making her feel like crying. With great restraint, she opened the package and the lights on her dials flashed as she saw what it contained – a printed polaroid photograph of the five of them on their night out the day she’d decided to take the job. He’d adorned it in a nice frame, and notes from all of them were written on it.

“Mickey-” she started to say chokingly but then cleared her throat. “Thank you. I will place it on my new desk when I arrive at the Alliance base on Thoo. I will contact you all then.”

At a signal from the pilot, she picked up her bags and headed towards the ship, boarding and sitting near a window.

As the ship hummed to life and started to pull away, she looked out at her teammates, her friends, her family, who were all waving vigorously at her, not wanting her to leave but happy for her nonetheless and a single tear encroached her sensors. Not wiping it away, she clutched the photo frame to her chest and took a last look at her team, before she was carried away from them to her new life.

 

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‘Sophie, am I a DILF?’ Mickey asked suddenly, peering at her over his sniffcomm.

‘Mmm?’ Sophie said. It was one of their clerical-work days, which meant filling out reports, sending in forms, correcting sheets. It meant a lot of dull-faced procrastination. She was somewhere between asleep and awake. She drooled, a little, on the table. She kept scrolling mirthlessly through the Fish-Bank.

The Golon Fish-Bank was the greatest poison ever inflicted on their segment of the galaxy. It was a social network, a huge one, the hugest one. It survived the language and concept barriers across the galaxy in a way few communications technologies ever could because of its incredible autopsionic translation technology and because its design ensured that nothing of any value was ever communicated across it.

‘Steve said I was one.’

‘A what?’

‘A DILF. D-I-L-F. He said it like he was joking, but also like it was a compliment. He got called off to oversee ship maintenance before I could ask him.’

‘DILF, DILF,’ Sophie muttered, rolling the word curiously around her mouth. She swore she recognised it, vaguely, distantly. She could find no associations for it, however. ‘Dilphite? Dilphus-3? We worked with them.’

Mickey shook his head. ‘That doesn’t make sense at all. And Steve was sick for that one, too.’

Sophie curled her lip and fiddled with a stray pen on her desk. She shut her comms. ‘Hey, Beth,’ she said. It whistled over Beth’s head. They were deep in their work. They hunched over their monitor, fingers working at the keyboard in a blur. In a single automatic movement they reached down, swept up one of the other stray pens invading their desks, and ate it.

‘Beeeeth,’ Sophie said. ‘Beth,’ she said again, whapping them lightly on the head.

Beth’s train of thought imploded. They shook themself like an animal emerging from a stream.

‘Yeah?’

‘D’you think Mickey’s a DILF?’

Beth clamped their mouth shut. Their whole face bulged, slightly. They tried very hard to not release any noise. They breathed, slowly, in through their noise, out through their mouth.

‘DILF? Did you say DILF?’ Beth asked.

Mickey nodded. ‘Steve said I was one. Is that true?’

Beth’s whole face began to bulge, again. They covered their mouth with one hand, and then another. They crumpled under the desk for a few moments, exhaling air. They sounded like a cold breeze coming through a dark cave.

After a few moments they emerged, completely fine.

‘Beth, are you OK?’ Mickey asked.

‘Maybe you should ask Robyn,’ Beth said hastily. ‘Maybe Robyn knows. I think she’s… y’know, her expertise, right? She knows everything, right? You should see if she. Thinks. You’re a DILF.’

‘We’ll go right now,’ Sophie exclaimed, slamming her hands on her desk and standing up.

Mickey glanced down at the work on his sniffcomm. He considered the responsibilities of his employment.

He stood up, too. ‘We need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible,’ he determined. He looked sincerely at Beth. ‘Thanks, Beth.’

‘Yeah, no, problem, Mickey, ah, that’s no problem. Always, ahhh, got you, dude.’ They raised a thumbs up and kept their face completely still. The sides of their mouth twitched.

So they left for Robyn’s office.

---

Robyn was only a team supervisor and was technically not high enough rank to warrant an office of her own. There were reasons, however, that her name sent chills down the spines of the Alliance bureaucrats. She wielded legal loopholes like daggers, fished up technicalities from lines of text so big the holoscreens touched the ceilings and scraped the floors. She was a deeply boring person with no real hobbies and an eye for poor wording like a hawk. So, she had scored herself an office.

She had scored herself a lovely, comfy room with a soft red carpet and humble orange lighting and walls so polished that light skated over them, slid and refracted around. Her desk was crafted of some carbonous material (wood, or some such–she’d never had the stuff back home), crafted, as in, with hands, and tools, and sweat. It was a grainy, irregular material, dark and wavy. But in a pretty way. She liked to touch it. It felt softer than anything else in the entirety of Alliance Base 17, and, yet, felt fundamentally sturdy. She had shelves, also made from that ‘wood’, which would have looked lovely with assorted books and tomes and which she filled instead with folders, self-help manuals, and a nearly endless collection of 2nd place trophies.

She had scored herself, more than anything, privacy. Peace. Even moreso than her bunkroom, she felt like she could relax in her office. Work relaxed her–she liked being around her forms, her folders. She laid back in her chair and let it all seep in.

The door burst open.

‘Sophie!’

‘What? Oh. You’re right.’

The door slammed shut. After a few moments, there came a few cautious knocks.

Robyn vented air out of her ducts and leant her chin on an actuator. The door was knocked again, even louder and faster this time, brutishly.

‘Come in,’ she said.

The door slipped open. Mickey gingerly stepped in, smiling warmly. Sophie pressed against him, wiggled an arm into the room, finally squeezed past him and scampered in. Her boots were encrusted with an unnameable variety of liquids and messes. Every time she took a step Robyn couldn’t help but wince, like her carpet was a part of her nervous system.

‘Oh. It’s you two. I could have never guessed.’

‘Really?’ asked Sophie.

Robyn seethed. She vented more hot air. ‘Yes. You are always a pleasant surprise.’

‘Thanks!’ Sophie yelled, immediately examining the contents of Robyn’s shelves with a focus and fascination that disturbed her.

Robyn rubbed and adjusted her optical sensors. ‘I hope this is for something important.’

‘I need to know if I’m a DILF or not,’ Mickey said.

‘Steve called him one,’ Sophie added. ‘And Beth thought you’d know.’

Robyn removed the lenses from her optical sensors, one by one, and quietly polished them. ‘Beth told you to come here?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sophie, looking dead on at one of Robyn’s 2nd place speed-knitting trophies. ‘Thought you’d know that kind of thing. Y’know? Hey, you speed-knit? Competitively?’

‘Speed-knat. I couldn’t stand the… favouritism of the judges,’ Robyn said, taking time in the middle of her seething to appreciate her own wordplay. She thought, again, of what Mickey had just asked her, and her heart sank once more. She looked, pleadingly, at him. ‘I’m sorry. Could you just… ask me that again? I think I misheard you.’

‘Am I a DILF?’ Mickey asked.

‘Dilphite? Dilphus-3?’ Robyn was begging for clarification. She was desperate.

‘That’s what I thought!’ Sophie said. ‘No, it’s DILF, we’re sure.’

‘Are you a DILF,’ Robyn repeated. She nodded. ‘That is the question.’

Mickey nodded: ‘Yes.’

‘The question being, are you, Mickey, a DILF. This is what I am being asked.’

Sophie nodded: ‘Yeah.’

‘And Beth sent you to do this, rather than answering it themself?’

Mickey and Sophie both nodded: ‘Yes,’ they said, together.

Robyn sat in silent contemplation. She considered the facts objectively. She looked at them all with distant and unbiased eyes. She considered the facts, even, subjectively. To her horror, it was clear as day.

‘Yes. Mickey, you are almost certainly a DILF. You might be the… most suiting owner of that title I have ever met.’ She took her lenses out once more, polished them unnecessarily. ‘Please get out of my office.’

‘You’re a DILF!’ Sophie cheered, slapping Mickey on the back.

‘I’m a DILF!’ Mickey exclaimed, flicking Sophie in the face and sending her staggering across the room.

Sophie looked hastily to Robyn. ‘Hey–am I a DILF?’

‘Not only are you not a DILF and not only could I never personally ever consider you a DILF, but you cannot be a DILF. No matter how much you tried.’

‘Aw.’

‘And–Mickey,’ Robyn said, as they were leaving her room. ‘Please don’t… look me in the eyes for the next day or two.’

‘Okay!’ Mickey said, parading cheerfully out of the room.

---

‘Beth what the hell is happening?!’ Steve asked, the second he returned to their shared workspace. He squeaked slowly off his extra-small sized hovercarrier, onto Beth’s desk. ‘Where the hell is Mick?! What’s he done?! Beth?! Are you dying?!’

Beth was lying on the floor, trying their hardest to steady their breathing. They had their comms in their hands. Their cheeks were stained with tears. Every now and then they seemed to stabilise themself, before suddenly crumpling into the floor once again in a fit of manic giggling.

They silently held up the screen of their comms to Steve.

Mickey’s Fish-Bank account had updated. A line had been added to his personal description, which said: ‘proud confirmed dilf!!’

Steve looked on in horror as Beth scrolled down.

‘my boss @robyn-alliance-work-account and my friend @steevefastman both said i was a dilf so it must be true!! i want to thank all of my followers for making this possible. i would not be a dilf without all of your support.’

Steve watched, in horror, at the rate that it gathered likes.

He overheard a conversation passing by:

‘Very bold of him…’

‘But it’s true, isn’t it? He is a DILF.’

‘Oh. Gods. Yes.’

He looked right at Beth’s face. They’d gone pale from a sheer inability to breathe. They giggled so hard they snorted. Beth almost never snorted.

‘Oh my gawd. What have I done?’